Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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