I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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