Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize