I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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