Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I AM VODKA MAN
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
