At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
