At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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