I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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