Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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