just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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