I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
