I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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