don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
