Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
