I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just forgot I was standing up.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
