is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
