At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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