I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
