I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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