Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
