My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
