so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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