i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
