I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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