it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
