If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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