she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
