My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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