My room smells like vodka and shame
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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