got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
