here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Floor bacon is actually really good
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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