I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize