I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize