An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
