Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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