An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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