I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
