I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize