I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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