Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
What a dumb baby whore.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
