I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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