Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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