So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
