I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
