I think I just saw someone hide a body.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
