Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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