You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
