If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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