Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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