I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
