Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
