conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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