so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
