i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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