Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How does one acquire holy water?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
