someone get that fucking seahorse.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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