you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
