Just cropdusted the office
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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