i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Congratulations! We have a period
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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